Fear

I’m not an easily scared person. Spiders and all that stuff, yeah, sure, whatever. Normally, I just say fuck it to whatever i’m scared of, and march on. Just keep pushing through I guess. I’ve just gotten to the point where I’m not scared of much anymore.

I’m deathly afraid of losing you. Even just the thought of the happiness that we enjoy  someday coming to a close is enough to bring me to tears. To have to deal with it all melting away, the house, our kids, our dreams, us, everything. We’ve built up so much, it’s hard to ever think about it ever being lost. I just know life would become impossible without you. I don’t know that I could live. 

Tonight, I came too close. I don’t know if the thought ever entered your mind, but I’m afraid that it did. I played Nero while Rome burned. I let it all crumble. It could have fallen apart in an instant, and for me, it felt too close. The clock was at 11:59, with death at midnight. I promise, no more. I never want to come that close ever again. I promise, I will do better.

10:54 pm

so many emotions right now. so many. not a single one of them good. it’s been a very long day. and i suppose i’m being overdramatic, but don’t i get a chance to be? sometimes? please? oh my. oh my. oh god. okay. okay. they’re coming back. okay okay okay im gonna try to be brave and stop crying now okay no i cant and im gonna try to not have nightmares because the last thing you need is that oh god. 

i hope they go away soon

10:39 pm

Flutterby

Flutterby butterfly

Fly away home

Flutterby butterfly

You’re not alone

Flutterby butterfly

There’s nothing to fear

Flutterby butterfly

Whisper in your ear

Flutterby butterfly

Come out and shine

Flutterby Butterfly

You’re forever mine

9:47 pm